"The Devil Reincarnate"
After leaving his previous vessels, The Source of All Evil found a new (un)fortunate body to claim as his own. This Source immediately developed a plan, involved that cute girl-turned-crackwhore from
Clueless and that Kung Fu guy in the
Kill Bill movies. Basically, the plan was to exchange some of our heroes with their past lives, in the hopes of stranding them in their own times. Of course, he didn't pick just any past life; he took the ones that were most willing to go through with the trade:
- Ju Rong, an assassin for an emperor in Beijing 1256. Her power involved something with the wind or sand. Killed by Past Prue. Also, the past life of Julie Liu.
- Paz of Caerphilly (1314) was a demon and his lover, Past Justin helped a witch named Samantha and Ozymandias (the one and the same) kill him. The past life of David... uh... "Pazzingtonvilleshiretonburgstein"
- Freedom Fighter Petunius (batteries sold separately) from Havana 1514, killed by gunfire. The past life of one Petunius Halvarado.
- Sister Andrea and Sister Sharon, two nuns in Clare 1644. Stoned to death after acts of perversion and blasphemy. Past lives of Andrea and Sharon Kohr. If only that damn Past Chloe weren't such a tempting jezebel and Andrea wasn't a big, fat lesbo.
- Past Ryo saw lions. Only in Cape Town. Eating and gnawing him only in Cape Town. The past life of Ryo, who was killed in 1684.
- Past Sera hailed from Richmond 1767 and molested a Past Moony. She was a demon who was later burned to her death. Past life of Sera Hudson.
- Peasant Boy Aidan was entranced by an Edward Huntley, who later poisoned and dismembered the boy in London 1812. Aidan Wright's past life.
- Azura Phoebbors, a psychic from Adelaide 1836, framed for the robbing of a bank and manslaughter by her younger sister, Past Jasmine. The past life of Azura Shamshay. She was sentenced to death by hanging.
- Luke Bicknall, a outlaw from Dallas 1841 responsible for the murders of fifteen people. Husband to Past Sharon and father to (presumably) Past Jim (plus unborn child). Death by guillotine. My stupid past life.
- Past Dante was a neglectful husband and father to his poor, poor, ever-suffering Sally (WOE!) and their two children in London. If the cunt weren't so forgetful, then he wouldn't have met his Death by Vampires in 1912.
Well, that's how things were
supposed to happen. Because of The Source's and our heroes' involvement, the timeline was skewed, resulting in the following changes:
- Past Andrea, Past Sharon and Past Petunius were murdered by The Source instead.
- Past Jasmine killed a second man! The body festered on her floor for a while while Paige and Present Azura decided what to do. Eventually Paige returned alone and removed the body and evidence of murder. Because of Paige's interference, Past Azura and Past Jasmine took the high road. And then decided that was a rather stupid idea, so they ran like hell down the low one like the murderous whores that they are and lived out their lives. I might have made some of that up, but I prefer this version myself.
- Past Aidan, after being a total cunt to practically everyone he came across, managed to report Huntley to the police, only to have been shot, stoned and incinerated by an energy ball the very next day. Like before, that last past was my speculation of the events but it sounds so promising for the poor fools of London 1812 that have to deal with his peeing in the streets at midday.
- Ozymandias was always a whitelighter and I can't believe you would believe otherwise, you faithless bastards.
- Petunius innately hates Ryo because Past Ryo allowed Past Petunius to die in Hell.
- Azura is less of a frigid bitch towards Jasmine.
- While Past Paz did die thanks to Past Justin's betrayal, he didn't die in 1314 in the presence of Ozymandias and Samantha, killed at the beach in 2007 in battle with Paz.
- Piper hid some guns, thus buying the resistance army some time to life and what not.
The following adventures of those bastard past lives included:
- At one point, most of our heroes had to face Past Julie and her increasingly difficult powers. With their combined efforts, they managed to take the bitch daaaaaaaaaaaahn!
- Past Luke mugging Wesley and doing one of the two things in life he was ever good at: getting completely tanked.
- Past Azura bitching endlessly at Present-day Jasmine, assuming that she was her traitorous sister.
- Past Aidan annoying the fuck out of everyone, particularly Petunius and Sharon. Of course, after his refusal to go with him, he managed to get arrested (along with Aidan), thanks to Wesley accusing them for Past Luke's mugging.
- Past Dante trying to get Present Dante back to his time, only to have failed and switching clothes with each other to dupe The Source and send the punk back to his own time (though he got lost in London 1812 briefly).
And you'd think that would be the end of this article, now would you? Once again, you're so, so, so, so, so, so, so
WRONG! Why, there's more things to talk about.
So when our heroes said goodbye to their past lives, some of them felt upset about having to them back to their deaths and others wondered how they fucked up the timeline with their shannenigans (as listed above).
Of course, the drama only
began at that point.
Aidan, who was by far the most concerned of our heroes, got into a hissyfit about Petunius chucking Past Aidan to his death, firmly believing that it wasn't in his place to do this and regarded him as a murderer. Andrea and Sharon's experience brought them closer together and admittedly, I found their moments endearing as well as Paz and Past Justin's reluctance to leave one another.
Phoebe, however, found herself torn between her ex-boyfriend, Petunius, and yours truly. After telling Petunius that she was seeing someone else, he stormed off and managed to get the identity of the other man from Andrea's big, fat, lesbo mouth. He went to my place to confront him with this and our discussion let to a fistfight you'd only see on daytime TV. When this was done, I went to comfort Phoebe and told her of the incident. After some flirting, we were reunited with Prue and Piper, who had finally returned from the fourth dimension to ensure that everyone was returned to their proper times. When I left, Phoebe came to the realization that she loves Petunius. Yeah, it sucks for me, but I'm better in bed, so TAKE THAT!
Ahem. So, she went to break up with me, but Petunius' death glare urged Phoebe to make out with me while I was wearing only a towel in front of him. Needless to say, HOT! Of course, the inevitable came and Phoebe chose herself. Are we sure this isn't the TV show?
Aidan and Paz, meanwhile, admitted their love for one another after finding a note written by Past Justin. Then, they proceeded to make me vomit on the computer screen upon suggesting that their first child should be named "Paidan". Even "Mona Henrietta" is better than that garbage.
Jasmine was finally able to exercise her shark abilities by assuring to Rex Buckland that she
will take over the auction, or at the very least, take the initiative to put them out of business with a rival company. Feeling the need to have a lunch acquaintance, she summoned Sharon to Quake and the two wined and dined. They came across Charlotte, who is searching for Julie to magically mimic her martial arts abilities to get ahead in the demonic world. Jasmine sensed the bad vibes and went with Sharon to warn Julie, which they did. However, KAREN BEAT HER TO IT BECAUSE KAREN RAWKS! Well, Karen arrived in the glamoured form of Charlotte at any rate and is kicking some might ass.
Hurt by Phoebe, Petunius felt the need to further complicate his situation with her by going to the Underworld with the intent of having a darklighter to skewer me. Asshole. (Un)Fortunately for my health, he changed his mind and decided to invite Moony as his date to Phoebe's planned party at P3. That's going to go well. Not.
After having rough sex with Azura, Paige returned to the mansion and invited Jasmine to take a tour. A tour with potential to have dangerously sexy results. Dun Dun Dunnn!
Also: Karen's back!
And that pretty much sums up what's been happening. Though as if it weren't clear enough, I'll say it again:
KAREN'S BACK! The bitch is back!