Voice,

Yesterday was very awkward. First, I found out that I was a witch and I met my clone. Clone...well, he is an interesting character. How self-involved does that sound? He claims that he isn't the flipside of me but I feel as though he is a part of me that I've never been able to express or more appropriately, have repressed for the last 29 years.

At any rate, long story short. I met this bastard in the Forest, thinking that he was just an innocent person lost in the woods and it ended in with me suffering some external injuries which I am currently recuperating from. The penthouse I crashed into belongs to this ice wielding witch named Vince. He allowed me...I mean, Clone coerced him into allowing us to stay for a while. Right now, I am asleep and have found this to be the most appropriate time to speak with you.

I need to ask you something, Voice. Vince seems to mean well but how can I trust him after what the other guy did? How can I trust anyone except Clone? Please give me some advice.

It seems you have had a rough time in the world so far and it is no surprise you are finding it hard to trust those around you.

The Voice will not lie to you, trust is a hard thing to gain and even harder to give to other people but The Voice does ask that you do not give up on it. Vince, from your description, seems like a good witch and willing to help you. The Voice suggests that you test the waters, so to speak, before passing judgement on people.

Currently, a pigeon is pecking at my injured face. The bitch (or bastard). I have a question to ask you, Voice. Is there any way for me to offensively attack demons? Frankly, I'm tired of being the victim and I think becoming a rogue demon hunter may suit me better. I know that it was just that one time thus far but it's one time too many. How can I become a successful demon hunter? You know, after I recover from these injuries and this coma I may be in.

You can stop being such a bloody wimp for one thing.

O Noble Voice, why am I stuck with this dickwad? I could be out there, doing great things, and hot birds, but nooooo, I get trapped in this useless carcasse.

Oh do cheer up Luke, you're not that bad.

But here's a thought: if you wanna be a demon hunter, why don't you try getting yourself some bloody weapons??

Did you see that? This useless bastard here just told my girl he was me! Well, he didn't, but he might as well have! If he dares to steal her away from me... not that it's exactly possible to explain... I wonder if she still has my shoe, I'd kind of like it back.

Lenin, do shut up.

Luke, although Lenin is brash and annoying, but seems to be charmingly so to all but probably you, he seems to have a good idea. Perhaps you should look into some sort of artillary. The Voice reckons you'd look quite dashing all kitted out like a ninja warrior... or the like...

Your girl? When the hell did you meet her, anyway? That could explain how she thought I was you. She's amazing, though. Helped me up from the Hallway floor. This was the first smile I had on my face since learning about my powers and it's all thanks to her.

At any rate, where would I get said artillery, Voice? Perhaps at Buckland's?

You're such a pussy, Luke. Bloody Bucklands indeed. There's a magic shop to go to and there must be somewhere that that demon got his dagger from too. Perhaps it's time for some snooping around, O Killer Of Evil.

And the doggone girl is mine. I met her in P3, which is probably too cool for you. You can't have her. I already gave her my shoe, and right now I'm about to be in her house. That is, trusting I won't run out of your power, you bloody sap.

Has it ever occurred to you that I might be too cool for P3? At any rate, I have finally obtained my own place of residence, Voice. I wonder if there is any magical black light I can use to detect the inhuman stains from that perverted Landlord. Better yet, a magical cleansing spell would be more appropriate because I don't think I want to know what's been spilled.

Could you explain as to why I had this certain feeling? I was walking past this apartment and it was as if something was pulling me in there. Do you think that was Chloe's apartment? Is this love or is it the spoiled pastrami on the kitchen table? Or something else? I think I might regret ignoring that hint, Voice. Please help me.

Damn it, Voice, pick up. I know you're there. I've officially lost any form of privacy. A few seconds ago, my brother and I had a power progression. Apparently now, we can communicate telepathically with one another. Sure, this can be great for fighting demons but what about more...personal matters? Chloe. Yes, I like her but Lenin's already advanced much further with her than I have and now, if I do have a plan to win her over, he'll probably beat me to it. The scene stealer. Bros before Hoes? Like that's happening with us.

She is not a ho! Don't make me come in there and mangle your insides... look, I'm in Chloe's bit right now. There's another girl here, she's pretty. You have her.

Well, once again, I will apologize to my brother (yes, I consider him my brother instead just a clone...he's practically...no...he is his own person, mostly...). How do I rid myself of this guilt, Voice? I nearly killed someone out in cold blood. If I can make rash, violent decisions like that, what does that really say about me? Am I really a good witch or just a charlatan?

Don't worry. You realised your mistake and rectified it. That is the main thing. Your guilt will subside and Lenin will forgive you. He is, after all, your brother. Now your problem is finding Chloe and making sure she's safe. And, to wonder whether your squabble with Lenin over who will 'get her' is really a part of your true feelings, or if you only want her because he does.

It's probably the fact that he likes her and I'm just being the jealous one. How brotherly is that? I think that he has forgiven me and has pointed out how crazy I've become. Not like I will change anytime soon or worse, I am unable to change. I guess my reason for coming here is to ask you, Voice, why doesn't he want his own life?

Dearest Voice,

Whenever you get off of vacation, please speak to me. I finally went to get the much needed drink when I finally met my first demon since what's-his-name. The bastard destroyed my martini and anyone who does something that blasphemous really deserves to be shot. I fought the demon, who then cracked my wrist. Lenin, as usual, saved me and in the process...I've managed to obtain a second power or maybe just a progression of my cloning ability. Perhaps I can duplicate myself at a molecular level, maybe that's why I can heal myself now. Or whatever.

My question? Do The Powers That Be not want me to have a martini? I mean, sheesh. I did cast that personal gain spell and I lost my favorite...only trenchcoat. The energy ball comes and then this wannabe bartender makes a bad one. Please answer me.

Why must The Voice answer all your petty problems...

You ask why Lenin does not want his own life. The answer is somewhat simple: he is not a real person. He make look, walk, talk, feel... and act like one, etc, but ultimately, he is a projection of yourself, taken from you, built from you, created with your innermost desires taken into account for personality, he is you. Just, another one. He does not look for his own life because you are his life.

Dumbass.

Being unopinionated, The Voice cannot comment further on the stupidity of your rear end.

As for your drink, The Voice sympathises.

Your power is, once again progressing. This is probably because of the sheer volume of time you spend practising your power. Seems you struck it lucky receiving a power so easy to perfect.

Dearest Voice,

Well, it may be dumb but it's a good thing, no?

No wonder I got this power. I am so fucking vain. Also, what a corny joke.

Ahem. Now that I have been kicked out of the club, possibly for life, what should I do next? My question is that if I ever express my inner desires, which is what you say Lenin is, will he disappear for good? Do you have any expertise in fixing up a damaged car?

In answer to your questions:

No. Whatever you want. No. Yes.

The Voice has spoken...

Dearest Voice,

I met a mermaid and thought that I liked her. Turned out that she is an irksome bitch, so I left her drunk, unconscious ass in a bathtub with hot water. Should I turn off the water or invite the Sea Hag for dinner tomorrow night for some Bitch of the Sea?

Dear Voice of Reason,

I am blind. I am mute. I am incapable of tasting and smelling. I guess I had it coming after what I did to the mermaid, Chloe and that brat. Not to mention that I started a fight at a club. This seemed to be an appropriate time in my life to reflect on the horrible things that I've done since discovering the craft.

I've started my path of redemption by first having Lenin bring the mermaid back to my penthouse. I may hate the bitch but I had no excuse to do what I did. What other things would you suggest me to do to make up for my poor judgment?

Voice,

Today, my powers have developed and I have two additional clones. This means double the weaponry and such. They don't seem that bad. Lorenzo's rather bitchy and Lysander's our bitch. Can you think of a place that will take all of us as employees at a decent salary?

McDonald's?

While devising a plan to search and save my charge from the confines of Hell, I thought that it would be best to keep a journal so that I can evaluate my life more meticulously than before. By doing this, I feel that I can reflect on my past to see where I've been and what things that I have left to discover. Plus, as a journalist, writing has become a profound part of my life.

The events of the apocalypse have somewhat changed my outlook on life and despite the loss of lives and collateral damage worldwide, it's probably the best thing that's happened in my life. I realize that this sounds like a strange and inappropriate contradiction, but it's true nevertheless. In the past, I would probably say that I'd change my ways and while I have in some respects, I still remain the same. Whether that's a good thing or not is debatable, but I think I've made some progress in the last three years and I have magic to thank for that.

When I started dabbling with witchcraft, I didn't care too much about consequences and would often cause more harm than good. However, I believe that as I embraced it and its tenets more carefully, magic has helped me in so many ways. One of the most important things is that it has allowed me to realize that I can be a good guy and I have my clones to thank for that, giving me more insight into my true nature. Additionally, it has helped me find a certain someone by giving me the most obscure and blatant hints: Sharon.

Perhaps this is a bit of a stretch and maybe I'm being as impulsive as usual, but are we meant to be? Thinking back to certain events, I'm more inclined to believe so. I remember when I formally met her, Lenin was hitting on her on the spot and I wasn't as forward and they seem to have hit it off well for several months. Perhaps after seeing and literally experiencing these moments between them in a somewhat vicarious manner, my feelings started to surface in the form of jealousy and envy when I pretended to be him at the bar (though using the word "pretended" seems slightly awkward because we are the same person, anyway)? Or when we made out in front of him while under a spell that made us act on our desires? And what about me and being married to her in a past life with two kids? Are all of these things just coincidental or were these events supposed happen so that we could bond during this stressful ordeal?

I'd like to think the latter. Maybe it's the whitelighter in me that's making me feel so optimistic about the potential between me and that alluring woman and her voice. Or I'm just overanalyzing things just as usual. I should really stop being so cheesy and girly about this, but it's hard not to. Sharon has seen and has knowledge of my character flaws such as being a colossal bastard at times and the very fact that she's seemingly looked past them to see that there is some level of decency in me makes her all the more attractive as a person. And it doesn't hurt that she's fucking hot.

I should probably hide this thing away as her father is currently giving me a stern and contemptuous glare that practically translates to "I know you've gotten into my girl's pants and you better sleep with one eye open tonight, punk" whenever she isn't looking. Or maybe I'm just being a little paranoid. Anyway, I need to take a break from planning my rescue mission so I can continue to enjoy Ireland, and more importantly, life, while I'm still here.

Until then,
Luke

I can't believe that it's taken me this long to realize that I really need some guy friends. You know, the kind that you go to bars with to drink beer, bitch about our girlfriends and/or wives or invite over for the big game on those lazy Sunday afternoons. However, I feel that I don't exactly have many options as a whitelighter; befriending magical folk or no friends at all of the male variety. Not that I don't love the company of women, but I can't sit and chat with them about what happened to Saul and Floozy in the cellar on last week's episode of Neighbours or about manicures and what have you 24/7.

Unfortunately, this revelation couldn't have come at a more inappropriate time and the magical males that I know of have too much negativity surrounding it. I can't hang out with Petunius, given our past fights (and the dust from the most recent one is still settling). Paz... well, with Paz I can't really hang out and it's likely that Aidan will be attached to his hip and to be frank, I can barely tolerate the boy. Then, there's always Ozy, but again, there's an awkwardness about that as his girlfriend is my ex (though I do wonder how Sharon deals with that given that she and Dar are friends and I'm her boyfriend now). Maybe there's Leo, but I don't know when the timing would be right, since most of his family's now gone.

I find it ironic that as a whitelighter, I'm meant to guide people but I'm unable to guide myself out of this predicament. It was so much easier before I died because at least then, I could summon a clone, however narcissistic that may have been, but even then, I was still by myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not alone since I have the best, but the second most uptight girlfriend in the world (my condolences, Paige). However as I've said, who am I going to bitch to whenever I get in a fight with Sharon? I suppose as hackneyed as this sounds, only time will reveal when all of these issues will resolve themselves.

Perhaps Paige's child will be a boy and not a girl as expected. In which case, you can wait twenty five years and have a beer buddy!

The Voice offers the gift of optimism.

Today, I realized that I needed to child-proof my liquor cabinet yesterday and by "child-proof", I mean "Andrea-proof". I thought I'd have to wait until having kids before resorting to such measures, but my good booze is disappearing by the bottle and I can't have this continuing on and on as each day passes. Unfortunately, I haven't found a way to perform this feat without that pesky personal gain clause. I wonder if the shopkeeper would give me something, anything to dissuade her from drinking my liquor.

Booze-theft issues aside, life doesn't completely suck. Everyone seems to be getting into the Christmas spirit and if they aren't, they're putting up a spectacular illusion of contentment and joy. The students put up a gargantuan tree yesterday in the school's parlor and the place is running relatively smoothly, considering the busyness of the holidays, the fact that its headmaster is due any day now and that anything following the an apocalypse seems less threatening and less stressful.

At least for now.

You might want to Andrea-proof your diary too.

Can't believe you keep a diary... LJ ftw!

It's a journal and don't make me record details about what Sharon and I do when the lights are off (or on, it depends).